Everything You Need to Know About Vaginoplasties and UFOs

One of the things that I do at work, besides compulsively checking my email, is set up, dissolve, or otherwise move around our corporate entities like a Three-card Monte player on crack. Researching my most recent assignment, which involved a corporate merger, I stumbled across an eHow.com article about the same subject.

And while at, first I was worried that merging these two companies might be difficult and involve lots of work, eHow reassured me that it wasn’t that difficult and that all I would need is:

• A computer with Internet access
• A corporate lawyer

Huh. Silly me, reading through pages of statutory law. Now, that I had all this free time thanks to eHow, I decided to look through some of their other categories in hopes of further simplifying my life so that I would have more time to, I don’t know, cure cancer, bring peace to the Middle East, or figure out why people care so much about Brittney Spears’ kids.

Some of the more promising titles included:

How to Find Vegan Bondage Gear (Nothing like trying to find cruelty-free products to inflict pain on your loved one.)

How to Achieve Nirvana (Four easy steps!)

How to Suggest Vaginoplasty to a Wife (Helpfully suggests talking to your wife when you can be completely alone with her. As opposed to the crowded elevator I would have suggested. I guess that’s why they get paid the big bucks, though)

How to Build a UFO (Best check your lease if you’re renting. According to the author, you’ll need 14 tons of purified titanium alloy A Tesla coil and Acid solution saturated with helium nuclei. )

And finally—How to Get Abducted by Aliens. According to the author, it helps to have lots of time to spare as “Alien abductions take time and if someone has a busy schedule it will just not work for either party. A person needs to have plenty of leisure time for an alien abduction because, after all, the aliens control when an abductee returns. The last thing a person needs is to return from an abduction and have to catch up on appointments and responsibilities.”

So, there you have it. You now know where to find me for the next few days. But, first I need to pack and read up on How to Claim Alien Abduction Insurance. As my grandma used to say, “the only way you can make sure you’re not under-prepared is to make sure you’re over-prepared.” Or, as my mom still likes to say, “stop making up lies about your grandmother.”