Ghettotini

Recipe for Ghettotini:

• One glass, preferably without plastic or handles; and

• One pour of vodka, preferably longer rather than shorter.

• Drink.

• Repeat as necessary.

Advantages: No fancy shaker, vermouth, or pickled vegetable needed.

Disadvantages: Tastes remarkably like straight vodka.

Pssst....Wanna Buy Some Endorphins?

Anyone who tells you that early morning is the best time to exercise, are the people who have never done precisely that. Early morning exercise, like grape-nuts and office cubicles, only sounds good to those who have not had to experience them.

For years I have tried to convince myself that getting up and out the door for a run by 6 a.m. was what I should be doing. My body, however, was not on the same page. In fact, the page it was on more closely resembled a big warm bed.

I think there is a common misconception among non-runners, that the runner is always eager to run a 10k at the drop of a hat. We do not. Deep down runners harbor a secret: we seldom, if ever really want to begin running. Once the actual running begins though and the endorphins kick in, it’s a different story.

Ah, endorphins. I heart you.

Always in need of the next endorphin fix, I would try to trick my body. I would promise it that we were only getting up to have coffee and read the paper and then we’d go back to bed. Or, I’d bribe it--get up five days in a row and you can buy that cd. Sometimes it fell for it, sometimes it fell right back in bed.

This past week though, I started running later. Instead of trying to bolt out of the door with sleep still in my eyes, I first made my commute downtown and then ran (my gym has a downtown location). By the time I was running, I’d already had my cup (thermos) of coffee and the sun had made its way out.

It proved to be the ideal combination. I am baffled why the idea to try a later running time did not occur to me sooner. But, this I do know this--when the army says they get more done by 6 a.m. than most people do all day, it's because no one will go to war if they're getting proper sleep. That and “The Army, Nodding Off Around Noon Time for You and Your Country,” just didn't sound as good.

Seriously People, Stop Fucking Around With Mice

In addition to creating mice with Methuselah-like life spans, we have now created a mouse without fear.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071108/sc_nm/mice_fear_dc

Why, people? Why the mouse? Why not fearless, aging pandas? They’re cute, they’re cuddly, you don’t often find their feces in your kitchen. And if you did, I bet even their poop is cute.

#1 Reason Why I Can't Be a Hooker

I have come to the realization that in addition to the long list of jobs that I've already had to cross off my occupational wish list (e.g. lottery winner, haberdasher to the stars, all jobs involving skill, grace or coordination), becoming a hooker was also now out of my reach.

While one might think that this handy little insight might have occurred earlier, it wasn't until this past weekend during a trip to Port Costa, that it really, truly sank in.

You see, Port Costa, a town of roughly 200 located on the Carquinez Strait, has one hotel. A very special hotel. A hotel that was once allegedly a brothel. However, the only thing alleged about it now is the upkeep. They have though, kept the rooms named after the purported former employees.

We were to be in Ivy (smallish-pun intended), a room which featured a space heater that was about as quiet (and as effective for warmth) as a four-foot long bug zapper. There was also a teddy bear with cheerful circles of brightly colored fur and a not-so-cheerful slit throat.

It was while staring at the cotton carnage, that I realized why I cannot be a lady of the night: my name is all wrong.

My name is three syllables long and contains 3 vowels, the combination of which can be pronounced in any number of ways. This Rubik’s cube of potential pronunciations would not be an advantage to a person in an occupation in which time was of essence. If you think a few seconds, or at least the perception of a few seconds, don't matter, ask any smooth-legged biker. Or watch Cops, which is generally how I prefer to conduct my in-depth sociological research.

I also like to consult peer-reviewed journals, and by that I mean the back pages of our local weekly. My review of the local escort ads quickly confirmed my suspicions. There was Debbie, Angie, Crystal, Callie, Ami and several Summers (the effects of global warming are everywhere), but alas, no Andrea. The only sort of horizontal work it seems I am destined for are my afternoon naps under my desk, or as I like to call it now, the Andrea Room.

Everything You Need to Know About Vaginoplasties and UFOs

One of the things that I do at work, besides compulsively checking my email, is set up, dissolve, or otherwise move around our corporate entities like a Three-card Monte player on crack. Researching my most recent assignment, which involved a corporate merger, I stumbled across an eHow.com article about the same subject.

And while at, first I was worried that merging these two companies might be difficult and involve lots of work, eHow reassured me that it wasn’t that difficult and that all I would need is:

• A computer with Internet access
• A corporate lawyer

Huh. Silly me, reading through pages of statutory law. Now, that I had all this free time thanks to eHow, I decided to look through some of their other categories in hopes of further simplifying my life so that I would have more time to, I don’t know, cure cancer, bring peace to the Middle East, or figure out why people care so much about Brittney Spears’ kids.

Some of the more promising titles included:

How to Find Vegan Bondage Gear (Nothing like trying to find cruelty-free products to inflict pain on your loved one.)

How to Achieve Nirvana (Four easy steps!)

How to Suggest Vaginoplasty to a Wife (Helpfully suggests talking to your wife when you can be completely alone with her. As opposed to the crowded elevator I would have suggested. I guess that’s why they get paid the big bucks, though)

How to Build a UFO (Best check your lease if you’re renting. According to the author, you’ll need 14 tons of purified titanium alloy A Tesla coil and Acid solution saturated with helium nuclei. )

And finally—How to Get Abducted by Aliens. According to the author, it helps to have lots of time to spare as “Alien abductions take time and if someone has a busy schedule it will just not work for either party. A person needs to have plenty of leisure time for an alien abduction because, after all, the aliens control when an abductee returns. The last thing a person needs is to return from an abduction and have to catch up on appointments and responsibilities.”

So, there you have it. You now know where to find me for the next few days. But, first I need to pack and read up on How to Claim Alien Abduction Insurance. As my grandma used to say, “the only way you can make sure you’re not under-prepared is to make sure you’re over-prepared.” Or, as my mom still likes to say, “stop making up lies about your grandmother.”

Viva La Moustrap

If you think your Mondays are long now, don’t expect any help from Aubrey David Nicholas Jasper de Grey whose Methuselah Foundation is working towards the goal of a 1,000 year life span. Yup, that’s approximately 47,944 more Mondays.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/30/AR2007103002222_pf.html

Most disturbingly though, one of the first steps on this journey will be to triple the remaining life span of late-middle-age mice. According to a report in the Washington Post, Mr. De Grey believes that the day this announcement is made, the news will hit people like a brick as they realize that their cells could be next. I think however, the only brick will be the one you will need to get rid of the fifty-year old mice that are running through your home.