Miss Teen South Carolina for President

It almost seems too easy--making fun of Miss Teen South Carolina. Like stealing candy from a baby. But, as anyone who has ever actually attempted to take a candy bar from a child knows, nothing is ever as simple as it seems, and quite often one is left with a lot of explaining to do.

Or so I've heard.

When asked why one-fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map, Miss Teen South Carolina replied,

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education, like, such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere, like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Ahhh, the sweet sound of Schadenfreude…

Now, I'm usually a big fan of poking fun at others, mainly because it uses the time in which others could be using to make fun of my own spectacular shortcomings. The problem though, is that the question itself appears to be questionable. In fact, according to A 2006 National Geographic poll, 94% of young Americans could find the United States on a world map. Granted, National Geographic lacks the authority of say, someone whose accomplishments include appearing on a television show that featured a character named, "Screech," however a brief search failed to reveal anything that would contradict the National Geographic poll.

Pageants have always prided themselves on their ability to instill in young women important values and skills, such as poise, education, and the delicate art of taping one's breasts together. Now, it appears that they can add one more—the presidential answer.

The presidential answer, when executed correctly, will cause listeners to focus on the garbled response and lose track of the original question.

For example, consider any of George W. Bush's well-documented verbal gaffes, such as:

"Forms of government matter, in my opinion. It matters how—the nature of the government in which people live."—Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"I think—tide turning—see, as I remember—I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of—it's easy to see a tide turn—did I say those words?"—Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

And compare them to Bill Clinton's unfortunate "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." If only he had only taken a cue from G.W. and Miss Teen South Carolina and used the three-card Monte reply, the American public might have just given Clinton a collective chuck on the chin and considered him a loveable, if slightly befuddled, cad who perhaps could have used a little duct tape on some of his own body parts.

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And if you doubt the above, check out our president's most recent verbal slip-up:

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2007/09/07/international/i073619D05.DTL

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